Who Ordered the Code Red?

Key West Selectively Enforces Laws to Oppress Freedom of Speech!
- Naked Conch - Posted by Matt Gardi -  Dec 22, 2011

The Citizen is reporting the tragedy of Key West City Officials painting over views expressed on a wall slated to be torn down to complete the silly project on Virginia Street...and giving out citations as Christmas presents!  (Read about it here in the Citizen)  This project is a waste of fiscal stimulus funds, a destruction of the character of Key West, and now we have this abuse!

National Association of Realtors Revise Ridiculous Numbers

It's all about the truth, folks.  Apparently the National Association of Realtors share the sentiment of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, and think, "You can't handle the truth."

You see, after having misguided America for the last few years by masking the true decline in property values, (For what reason I can only imagine, but certainly not to sucker anyone into the idea that it is a "good time to buy" at an inflated value) these so called experts need to revise their numbers....DOWN BIGTIME. (Read about it here on CNNMoney and Fox Business News.)

Monroe County School Board Members Challenged - "Will You Take the FCAT?"

UPDATE 1: Rob Smith-Martin was the first to respond to the question - "Will you take the FCAT and publicize the results.  Within 14 minutes of my first email, Smith-Martin simply replied "FCAT is being phased-out."

Vice Chair Andy Griffiths replied, "Hey Matt, I'm in..."

One of those guys answered the question, the other would fail the FCAT if they answered simple questions with irrelevant answers.  Like: What color is the sky? "Seven."

No other replies as of yet.  

UPDATE 2: John Dick is in!
______________________________________________________
After a recent article in the Washington Post came out about how Orange County School Board Member Rick Roach failed the FCAT miserably, an online poll here at Naked Conch has illustrated that respondents favor dumping the Statewide test by a margin of 3 to 1.

While discussing the issue with School Board Vice Chair Andy Griffiths on the Naked Conch Radio Hour on KONK, a reader commented by suggesting we challenge Griffiths to take the FCAT.

I thought perhaps we could be equitable and challenge ALL of our School Board Members to take the FCAT.  In fact, if we can get all five to commit, I'll sharpen up a No. 2 pencil, break out the ol' slide rule and join 'em.

State Attorney Dennis Ward - Friday, Dec 16th on the Naked Conch Hour

This week's guest on the Naked Conch Hour on KONK Broadcasting Network, Monroe County State Attorney Dennis Ward. Tune in this Friday at noon!

http://www.konknet.com/

Put it in writing...please Mary.

      UPDATE: Per Sloan's request in comment section below, here is the entire email exchange.

Maybe I am a stickler. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Call me annoying...well OK many of you already do that, but that comes with the territory. I've often written, here on Naked Conch as well as in Key West the Newspaper about my pet peeve of expecting people I ask questions of, to respond in writing.

My latest frustration began after having attended a County Budget hearing in July.  In her budget overview, (See included video) Public Defender Rose Enright caught my attention by the fact that her budget was going up, while most other agencies had come in neutral or below the previous year.  Enright attributed the increase to an automatic rent increase built into her lease.

School Board Member Fails FCAT

Miserably.

Rick Roach, who is in his fourth term on the Board of Education in Orange County Florida, recently took the Florida 10th Grade FCAT and failed miserably.

Roach who has a bachelor of science degree, two masters degrees and 15 credits towards a doctorate also helps over see an organization of close to 22,000 employees with a budget of $3 Billion.

The original blog post in the Washington Post can be found here.

Columnist Valerie Strauss offered a followup here.

These columns speak for themselves, and echo my sentiment regarding the FCAT.  It's time we put an end to this 1/4 of a Billion Dollar annual fiasco, stop teaching for tests, and return to fully educating our kids.

Kudos to Rick Roach for taking the test and publicizing the results.

Feel free to offer your opinion below in the comment section, or add your vote to the poll below.

This week's guest on the Naked Conch Hour on KONK Broadcasting Network, Monroe County School Board Vice Chair, Andy Griffiths. Tune in Friday at noon!

http://www.konknet.com/

Homestead Exemption Joke Once Again

Once again we are hearing about an absolutely stupid debate about someone misusing the homestead exemption.  This time the Citizen reports that Ken Davis and his ex-wife Heidi Langraf allegedly put false information on the form qualifying for a homestead exemption.

And of course now the State Attorney's Office is wasting resources chasing after this infraction.

Farewell Danny Kolhage and Thank You

Some of the most exciting political news came to the forefront recently as Monroe County Clerk Danny Kolhage announced that he would not seek re-election in 2012. We owe Kolhage a debt of gratitude for his 29 years of service to Monroe County. Even with the numerous differences we may have, I will be the first one to suggest Kolhage ran a tight ship, albeit maybe too tight at times.

While his management style may have served us well decades ago, that very same style may have been his shortcoming as technological challenges changed his job role, and the office which he was charged to lead. While I offer him thanks for his years of service, I also am thankful for the opportunity his choice not to run provides Monroe County residents.

Whomever chooses to seek the office of County Clerk will have a lot on their plate should they be fortunate enough to win the election, and to that end, we have the opportunity to vet those candidates to ensure they have the awareness and capabilities to meet these challenges.

The office of County Clerk is a critical element to many of the operations within the county, and we as residents have to ensure that we don’t simply “pass the baton” to the most likable or well connected candidate. We have seen the success that is won with that approach in the school systems, and I frequently argue that similar “success” stories exist elsewhere. Therefore we must strive to look past the smile and the handshake, and do our due diligence as voters to ensure that we elect a capable individual that is ready to take on the challenges awaiting our next Clerk of the Courts.

Readers Overwhelmingly Oppose Dredging Survey

The results of our month long online poll are in, and while not scientific, they are clearly revealing.

After our Dredging for Dummies post we offered readers the opportunity to provide their opinion of the proposed study by participating in a poll that asked:

DO YOU SUPPORT KEY WEST PURSUING A $5.5 MILLION DOLLAR STUDY TO WIDEN THE HARBOR CHANNEL?

The results suggest that the vast majority of respondents are overwhelmingly opposed to the study as seen below.

Yes, by all means
  4 (5%)
Yes, so long as it does not cost the City anything
  8 (10%)
No
  61 (83%)

We hope this puts a nail in the coffin of that scattered brain idea once and for all.

Don't forget to look for more polls that pertain to local issues, and as well feel free to participate in our "Naked Conch Election Polls."

We Have A Winner!!

Congratulations to Sean Kinney who has unraveled the clues to the Great Naked Conch Scavenger Hunt!

Sean was able to masterfully deduce each clue, and found himself the proud owner of a new Naked Conch T-Shirt, two Naked Conch Koozies, and of course a crisp $100 bill. (Quickly deflating in value as the US Federal Reserve has chosen to water down our currency by bailing out European nations through the International Monetary Fund.)

But hey, you can't have everything, at least the Naked Conch gear is appreciating in value!  Sean is also a reporter for the Keynoter, and we at Naked Conch are excited to know that members of the local media rely on Naked Conch as a source for news, and truth.

So where was it?  Let's unravel the clues...

Clue one -

It's near one particular one!Jimmy Buffet has a tune called "One Particular Harbor," so it was near the Key West Harbor.

Clue two - 

There's a place that's the best, and it's northeast of west.

In the Harbor area, it was located Northeast of West.  Northeast of West Marine! 

Clue three -

Not up in a tower, or under a shell, a living attraction might serve you well.

Not in the Tower bar, or at the Half Shell, but at a living attraction. (living attraction = Live Bait).  Live Bait as in Live Bait Lounge located in Key West Bait and Tackle, where they serve you well by serving up some of the coldest beer in town.  With a great selection too! 

Clue Number Four-

Tourists amused by a face in a hole,

by a buoy from which the weather is told!

In front of Key West Bait and Tackle tourists can take photos of themselves by sticking their faces into a life size caricature, next to the famed weather buoy!

So now you must be warm, but where from here!

Clue Number Five -

A Person and a Password Play a Part in this Perplexing Puzzle

Looks like you are going to need to find someone and give them the password.  Hey, you think we were going to risk having a prized Naked Conch T-Shirt being accidentally found by some random person!  No way, we had this one guarded under the watchful eyes of one of the owners of Key West Bait and Tackle.

Clue Number Six -

Speak the truth to win the game

To a man who's not Elvis, but a King just the same.

So you have to speak the truth to someone who is a King.  This King was Chris King, who owns Key West Bait and Tackle with Joe Garr.  So all someone had to do, was speak the truth to Chris!  Literally!  "The Truth" was the password!

So Sean Kinney made his way in to Key West Bait and Tackle, tracked down Chris King, said "The Truth" to Chris and is now probably out on the town wearing his prized Naked Conch T-Shirt!

Please let us know if you enjoyed the Great Naked Conch Scavenger Hunt, and tell us all about your trials and tribulations you experienced trying to unravel the clues.  Email Matt Gardi at matt@nakedconch.com and let him know your thoughts!  Thanks one and all for trying, and keep your eyes open for the next event here on Naked Conch!

Naked Conch Announces New Weekly Show on KONK Broadcasting Network

Now we're talking!

Matt Gardi will be debuting his new talk show, The Naked Conch Hour, on KONK Broadcasting Network this Friday, Dec 2 at Noon.  The show will replicate Gardi's irreverent written style as he takes on government waste, covers local politics, and let's you hear from members of our Keys community.

The show will run every Friday at noon, and will feature Monroe County School District Chairman John Dick as it's inaugural guest.  With lots of exciting (and depressing) news coming out of the schools recently, Dick should provide some insight as to where we go from here.

Tune in from your desk, your couch, or your phone, but tune in. 

http://www.konknet.com/

Clue Number Seven of the Great Naked Conch Scavenger Hunt

Clue six provided everything you needed to win, but here is one more hint to help you on your way.  The J.R.R. Tolkien fans out there might enjoy it.

Gandalf and Froda entered the Gates of Moria by using a phrase like that included in clue six.

Gag me ... with an iPad

While we all must be grateful if we are fortunate enough to be stuffed from a gluttonous Thanksgiving feast, here is one that will put you over the edge as it is one bite too much to swallow.

I'm not talking about my famed Shoo-fly pie recipe either.  I'm referring to the latest fluff piece in the Key West Citizen regarding Judge Audlin's new tech initiative using an iPhone.  You can read it here!  Warning: Have barf bag conveniently available!

That just confirms for me the Citizen is a promotional arm of well connected people.

First, I'm sure all the wonderful things Judge Audlin is "tinkering" with could have been done years ago on a windows based laptop, of which I am sure he has access too.. if he wants.  But no, let's get a gadget for the Judges instead, not just iPhones, let's get them IPad's too.  See they want to use technology now.

Hey, I am an iPhone user myself, and in fact think they rule.  Users in the State Attorney's Office have had access to their email and calendar via iPhones since I came on board as their IT director in 2009.  But they could also use any smartphone, or computer with Internet access for that matter.  I know for a fact that even up to a few months ago, the courts were having a challenge getting a Mac to integrate with their email systems.

BUY! BUY! BUY!

Another Great Real Estate Analysis by the Key West Citizen

Hey listen, I'd be the first person to rejoice in the stabilization of Real Estate prices in the Keys, for as I have argued in the past it is absolutely essential to so many aspects of our lives.  There are the obvious aspects of home equity, tax base and funding for all our government services that depend so critically on stable home prices.  But as I have also argued, fraud in the foreclosure, rubber stamping of robo-signed documents, destruction of our title histories, and a judiciary that turns a blind eye to it, enables the fraud and does more to adversely our property values than 100 fluff pieces that reference Real Industry mouthpieces regurgitating the same old tired rhetoric.

"The market is coming back!" "It's a great time to buy."  It's as tiring as watching the World Championship of Knitting.  What we need is the truth and an exposure of what is truly depressing our property values, and not a  monthly twisting of the one single statistic that can birth the latest "Real Estate Market Rebounds" headline.

For example, enter stage left, Robert Silk and the Key West Citizen's latest verbal portrait of joy.  In an article in Sunday, November 20th's edition of the Citizen with a headline of "Priciest Homes Lead Market Rebound," Silk references the fact that waterfront homes have enjoyed a year over year price increase.  Woo Hoo.  Now where did I leave my Pom Poms?

What NOT to do at Fantasy Fest

Some Helpful Fantasy Fest Advice

Hey, Fantasy Fest provides an excuse for all of us to push the limits, but there are some things that we should truly make a note of to avoid doing before we start to indulge.

Don't get schnookered blind and ride your scooter.... (Goes unsaid, besides there are plenty of bushes to crawl under, and it's only a 2 x 4 mile island for Christmas sake...the walk will do ya good.)

....up a one-way street past one of Key West's Finest.... (They are the only ones NOT drinking and probably not too happy about it. Hint: They might just notice your sorry bare arse.)

...wearing nuttin' but a thong...

...adorned with an elephant trunk.

Nope.  Just don't do it.  For more reasons than one.

(Editor's Note: Naked Conch is an ardent supporter of nakedness, freedom and liberty.  But your rights end at the tip of our nose, don't drive drunk!)

And now the moment you've been waiting for... 

Clue Number Three of the Great Naked Conch Scavenger Hunt.

Not up in a tower, or under a shell,

a living attraction might serve you well.

GUEST POST: Local Bartender Vincent Rides to Personal Victory

by Al Phillips

Cindy Vincent, Keys own local celebrity bartender at the the Southernmost Beach Cafe, has completed a grueling 165 mile bike ride for Smart Ride.  Smart Ride is a charity bike ride with hundreds of participants for the HIV/AIDS foundation.

"What a ride," Cindy told us, "just beautiful and for a great cause, I'll do it again next year."

Fantastic job Cindy and to all those who participated!

Clue Number Four of the Great Naked Conch Scavenger Hunt!

Tourists amused by a face in a hole,

by a buoy from which the weather is told!

How REAL Judges rule...

Too bad they aren't from the Keys.

There is actually joy in Mudville folks.  A couple of rulings by some Judges hit the nail on the head recently and took banks to task.

First, this in from the home of sweet tea, pecan pie and homemade wine...

In an Order denying a US Bank's motion to dismiss, Judge Dennis Blackmon writes;

“Sometimes, only courts of law stand to protect the taxpayer. Somewhere, someone has to stand up. Well, sometimes is now, and the place is the Great State of Georgia. The Defendant’s Motion is hereby Denied”
“The United States Government paid taxpayer dollars to the largest of our financial institutions, and to European Union Banks, in order to prop up those poorly run organizations. Twenty Billion of those dollars were handed over to the defendant, U.S. Bank.”

...and this...

“A cynical Judge might believe that this entire motion to dismiss is a desperate attempt to avoid the discovery period, where U.S. Bank would have to tell Mr. Phillips how his financial situation did not qualify him for a modification. Or, perhaps he was qualified, yet didn’t receive the modification, in violation of U.S. Bank’s Service Participation Agreement (SPA).”

Remember this is the Judge ruling...

“I, on the other hand, am sure that nothing of the sort could be true. Maybe US Bank no longer has any of the $20 billion dollars left, and so their lack or written explanation might be attributed to some kind of ink reduction program to save money. I’m sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for why US  Bank will not print out the ONE page of figures that show that MR Phillip’s financials compared to the HAMP guidelines to clear this all up.”

Conclusion
“There is no merit to Defendant’s Motion to Dismiss, and same is hereby DENIED.”

Read the entire Order, it's worth it.  Who doesn't love sarcasm?  Too bad he isn't from Monroe County, FL.  We need a Judge like that.

But wait, there's more...two REAL Judges actually exist...someone pinch me....

Find out more and find the next clue to the Great Naked Conch Scavenger Hunt.  To read on ...click read more below.

The Great Naked Conch Scavenger Hunt Begins!!!

One Naked Conch T-Shirt, Two Naked Conch Koozies and a crisp $100 bill could be yours.

Find out more here!

The First Clue -

It's near one particular one!

Gastesi Begins a Great Initiative

Recently it was reported by the Keynoter on KeysNet.com that Monroe County Administrator Roman Gastesi has begun an initiative to have County agencies work together to share resources and services in an effort to create efficiency and reduce expenses.

This is fantastic, and Gastesi deserves a lot of credit for pursuing this.  More importantly, it's great that it is coming from the top, otherwise it might simply be disregarded by the various agencies administrators.

Why would I say that?  Because I have experienced it first hand.  In 2009 when I returned to work at the Office of the State Attorney as their IT Director it became readily apparent that technology was playing a more prevalent roll in the justice system than ever before.  Therefore it seemed to me that it would only be logical if the various agencies worked together to leverage technology in the entire judicial system, to reduce duplication of effort, and consolidate systems and services.

With the support of State Attorney Dennis Ward, then Chief Assistant Don Barrett, and Executive Director Nancy Criswell I began my pursuit of this project with high hopes.  I attempted to coordinate meetings and dubbed the effort the Monroe County Justice IT Committee.

What I was met with was what I would call a serious protectionist type of paranoia.  While certain agencies were willing and eager to participate, others were more concerned about what type of power trip I was on, and how I may have been trying to take control of any aspect of their agency.  Perhaps they were nervous about light I might shed on inefficiencies or how they were managing their current budgets.

Keys Courts Ignore Local Businesses on Sole Source Wireless Project

State of Florida and Courts Have Budget Shortfalls Someone should tell the Courts

As the IT director at the Office of the State Attorney I have been clamoring for consistent reliable wireless Internet access in the Keys Courtrooms for years. Granted there are isolated Courtrooms, where off the shelf wireless routers provide some limited internet access, such as in Judge Fowler’s Courtroom, but attorneys throughout the Keys know all too well that that access is the exception. Attorneys require Internet access to do research, check calendars, and in our case gain access to our case management system as we move towards a more paperless environment.

Imagine how elated I was when it came to my attention that the Courts were pursuing consistent wireless Internet access. In July, Trial Court Administrator Holly Elomina presented to State Attorney Executive Director Nancy Criswell a quote for equipment for a wireless project from tech firm CDW-G for $34,269, with a request for the State Attorney to provide approximately ⅓ of the cost, or approximately $12,000. Apparently, the Public Defender would also be providing $12,000 to split the project in thirds. Elomina wrote on this quote which did not include any labor, “Quote for all three courthouses.” Along with this quote, Elomina provided a paid invoice for $4,945 that was from CDW-G for having provided the quote and site survey, that Elomina generously took credit for having already paid. This invoice included $1,615 of travel expenses, for as you see, CDW-G is a company based in Illinois.

Nancy Criswell, being one of the few government administrators that I admire for her frugality, and eye for detail, asked me to review the quote, and asked Elomina for a specific list of equipment that the State Attorney’s Office would be purchasing from it, along with a separate quote for such. While elated that my long requested wireless project was being addressed, I immediately was concerned about the price. Including the site survey, this project was knocking on $40,000, and while I am fully aware that a solution like the wireless router in Judge Fowler’s courtroom is completely inadequate, it probably did only cost $50. I took the quote and quickly referenced some prices from Comp-USA for comparison, and within five minutes determined that there was the potential to save $3,000.

I forwarded the quote with my chicken scratches back to Elomina illustrating the savings and asked, “Have other quotes or evaluations been procured?” Elomina never replied. Now, by law due to the fact that the equipment was under state contract there is no requirement to get other quotes. But the ultimate source of funding for this project is from the County, and according to Monroe County Purchasing Policy, Chapter 7B, any purchases under State contract over $25,000 should be sourced from other South Florida Businesses, and if prices are lower, the purchase must be made through those sources. Essentially the Courts not only got just one quote, but it cost five grand to get it.

Naked Conch Looks to Expose Local Talent

Do you or someone you know have a knack for writing?  Want to show off your stuff on Naked Conch?

Well, we're looking for some talent to help unveil the Keys because we need help... obviously in more ways than one!

If you feel you have what it takes to cover local issues here in the Keys in a lighthearted but detailed manner, send us a sample blog post!  We are specifically looking for individuals to cover specific topics, but we're not trapped in a shell.  So if you have other ideas, let's hear 'em!!

Expose me!

We are searching for people who think they can cover...

Local sports
Band Reviews
Restaurant Reviews
Bar Reviews
Upcoming Charity Events
Occupy Protests
Higgs Beach Boxing Matches
Key West City Commission Meetings
Monroe County Board of County Commissioner Meetings
Monroe County School Board Meetings

and most importantly...

what the dickens goes on inside that joint called the Purple Porpoise on Big Coppitt!!

Give us a shout at matt@nakedconch.com if you think you have what it takes to guest post on NC!

Those chosen as lucky contributors will receive a years worth of unrecycled pizza boxes rejected at the single stream recycling facility and one naked Conch koozie to help keep their beer cold!

...and if you're like us and can't write...at least send us links to your YouTube videos taken throughout the Keys.